48 hours ago (Tuesday) I was feeling pretty happy. The doc did my spirometry (test that measures lung capacity) and my numbers were going in the right direction. Doc had said I might get out Thursday (today) and I was chuffed at the idea of going home. But as Wednesday wore on and I still hadn't been seen by the consultant, I started to realise a Thursday departure was not looking likely and my heart began to sink. And before it could even hit the bottom, horrible, impatient, cranky, rude, mean, negative Ashley, fueled by frustration and exhaustion and hormones, emerged.
Everything was...is.. getting on my, or Evil Ashley's, nerves. Last night it seemed like the noises would never end. Every time the beeping on the ward would stop, an ambulance would start wailing below my window. And when there was no beeping or wailing, I was being tormented by drunks loudly singing military marching songs. I rammed my ear plugs in only to find that I was such a state that I could hear the blood pounding in my ears.
I felt like I was losing it and the only thing I could think to do was cry. Around 1 am I was in the middle of my teary pity party for one when a nurse knocked on my door and came in. Usually I am left alone after my evening dose of antibiotics, so I was infuriated I was being interrupted on the one night I decided to lose it. She asked what was wrong and all I could do was fix her with a cold stare and tell her that I was sick of being here, of being caged, of dealing with it all. She then asked if I could please raise the shade that covers the glass window in my room's door so that the nurses could observe me in the night. Apparently this new order had only been rolled out that morning for all patients. Her request went down like a lead ballon. I swear I heard a thud. In between cries and sniffles I rudely informed her that I would not put my blind up because I didn't want people ogling me while I slept... if I should actually ever be able to get to sleep, that is. I almost never defy medical staff or act rude, but last night I was determined to stand my ground. I wasn't about to give up the thin shade that protected what little privacy I felt I had left. Knowing it was a battle she would not win, the nurse left. Like my dad always says, there is no arguing with a crazy person.
Everything was...is.. getting on my, or Evil Ashley's, nerves. Last night it seemed like the noises would never end. Every time the beeping on the ward would stop, an ambulance would start wailing below my window. And when there was no beeping or wailing, I was being tormented by drunks loudly singing military marching songs. I rammed my ear plugs in only to find that I was such a state that I could hear the blood pounding in my ears.
I felt like I was losing it and the only thing I could think to do was cry. Around 1 am I was in the middle of my teary pity party for one when a nurse knocked on my door and came in. Usually I am left alone after my evening dose of antibiotics, so I was infuriated I was being interrupted on the one night I decided to lose it. She asked what was wrong and all I could do was fix her with a cold stare and tell her that I was sick of being here, of being caged, of dealing with it all. She then asked if I could please raise the shade that covers the glass window in my room's door so that the nurses could observe me in the night. Apparently this new order had only been rolled out that morning for all patients. Her request went down like a lead ballon. I swear I heard a thud. In between cries and sniffles I rudely informed her that I would not put my blind up because I didn't want people ogling me while I slept... if I should actually ever be able to get to sleep, that is. I almost never defy medical staff or act rude, but last night I was determined to stand my ground. I wasn't about to give up the thin shade that protected what little privacy I felt I had left. Knowing it was a battle she would not win, the nurse left. Like my dad always says, there is no arguing with a crazy person.
Unsurprisingly, I was grumpy when I woke this morning. A trainee nurse, or nurse who doesn't usually work here (am not sure which she was), woke me from my sleep to ask if I had taken my morning meds. I pictured myself jumping up and slapping her for asking me such a question. I can swallow 20 pills in one go, but I have not yet mastered the art of taking my meds while I sleep. I think I gave her a "really?" look but she didn't notice. She then asked if I had taken my Creon (a medication I only take AFTER I eat) even though she was looking at my untouched breakfast tray. I explained Creon to her and then, with the last bit of restraint I could muster, informed her that I was not feeling myself and for her own safety she should exit my room immediately and not bother me again. She did as she was told but came back in a bit later to ask me the same silly question. I stared at my still untouched food and told her that I had taken my creon. I shook my head in disbelief as she scribbled on my drug chart and left.
That was 15 hours ago and though I am feeling a little bit better knowing I may get to go home tomorrow, part of me, Evil Ashley, still lurks, still feels like a rat in a cage. I can see that bad part of me and she is a rat running on a rodent wheel that goes round and round endlessly but goes nowhere. But I am pushing and fighting for Sane Ashley to step up, take control back. And when that part of me, Sane Ashley, shows up she will stop the other half of me running in circles and set me free. I just hope she gets here quick so no one gets hurt in the meantime.
That was 15 hours ago and though I am feeling a little bit better knowing I may get to go home tomorrow, part of me, Evil Ashley, still lurks, still feels like a rat in a cage. I can see that bad part of me and she is a rat running on a rodent wheel that goes round and round endlessly but goes nowhere. But I am pushing and fighting for Sane Ashley to step up, take control back. And when that part of me, Sane Ashley, shows up she will stop the other half of me running in circles and set me free. I just hope she gets here quick so no one gets hurt in the meantime.
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