Day 3.5 - How to get early parole and Fight Club

When I wake on day 3, I am keenly aware that it is Friday and tomorrow will be Saturday and the day after that will be Sunday. The weekend. Because I have spent a lot of time and a lot of weekends in the hospital, I know that if I am not paroled on Friday, then I will not be able to make my getaway till Monday. Certain wards in hospitals have a shell staff at the weekend, and because of this, the appropriate wardens are not always around to approve and manage an early release. Now, let me tell you how to have really, really boring weekend. Be ill, but not too ill as to require constant attention, and be in the hospital. Illness isn't really interested in the work week and office hours and the weekend; health care professionals, on the other hand, are. I know that remaining in custody over the weekend means that nothing much will happen medically speaking and that I will be very, very bored. I don't want to be very bored and I want to go home. I love my husband and I love my bed and I want to be reunited with both. Plus, I never really thought I should be admitted in the first place. So I set my sights on getting early parole.

This is how the day went down and I managed to get early release....

Dr Young And In Charge comes to see me around 10 am. I make sure to look and act peppy. Experience has taught me that looking and acting peppy is key. She asks me how I am and in one breath I say, "Good, my appetite is much better, a very important sign with me, I ate three meals yesterday and, please, may I go home?" I also remind her that nothing much happens on the weekend and that this is a very busy time for the ward and that someone else probably needs the bed more than me. She asks me some other questions and tells me that my desire to go home has been noted and that she will need to speak to the other (more senior) doctors. I am confident I have made a good case for early release, but tell myself not to get my hopes up.

Mrs Bossy Physio arrives and brings me some new breathing kit to try out. I try the new equipment and practice my breathing techniques. Eventually she says she has to go as she is leaving at 12. I keep my fingers crossed that she will leave before she has a chance to say anything to the doctor about me staying.

A little bit later, Nurse Thumbs Up comes in and tells me that I need to go downstairs for bloods. I need a Tobramycin level (checks how much of the antibiotic is in the blood) and some other tests. I tell her I will go down stairs shortly and start to change my clothes. Ten seconds later she pops back in and says, "Tanks ver being copverative," (she is not from England but I can't place her accent) and she is grinning at me like a mad woman and is giving me a thumbs up before she quickly disappears. I wonder what the heck she means. As a rule, I am and always have been a very compliant and well mannered patient, so I can't understand why she has made such a comment. I think of asking her to explain, but then I picture her grinning and giving me the thumbs up and decide I'll leave it.

After I get my bloods done it is time for lunch. I get fish and chips... and one packet of ketchup. I eat it but am hankering after some more ketchup all the while. Nurse Really Pregnant comes into give me my afternoon dose of IVs, but she says she will come back when she sees me eating. I finish eating and make for the shower. I shower and then dress and decide I will blow dry my hair. Alastair brought my hair dryer the day before and I know I will feel better if I can contain and control the disaster on my head that was formerly known as my hair. I am half way through drying it when Dr Young And In Charge comes in.

She says she came earlier to give me the good news but that I was not around. I am surprised because I had not heard from her in several hours and took this to mean that I was not going home. She says the docs have agreed I can go home but that several things need to happen first. I need a nurse to asses my IV giving skills. They can't and won't send you home until they know that you are capable of being a responsible drug dealer and user. Also the pharmacy needs time to get together the drugs that will tide me over until the home healthcare company can deliver my drugs tomorrow. And finally, I need to have a long line (a more substantial IV line that can last for a few weeks) placed as the cannula currently in my arm is starting to fail.

She disappears for a while and then comes back with a long line kit. She examines my arms extensively for good veins while I sit there and think about my half dried hair. The styled side looks alright but the other side looks as if it has been caught in a tornado. I think I must look slightly ridiculous. She is still looking for a good vein when I start trying to point out veins that have worked in the past. Nothing I point out pleases her. The ones I suggest are to wiggly or shallow or thin. She tells me that she considered my veins extensively last night while she was having sushi. Apparently my veins are misleading. They look good, but are not actually any good. Oh how I love it when people tell me things I already know. But she finally finds one and has a go. There is blood everywhere and I am filled with glee that it is not my pillow from home under my arm. It looks like a small massacre has taken place, but the line seems to be working and for this I am very thankful. Often I am stuck three, four, or five times before they get one to work. One time in A&E (ER) I was stuck eight times and they tried veins in my legs before they got a working line. All this makes one stick and a lot of blood seem like child's play. The doctor cleans me up and tells me that it is lucky I have not had my afternoon dose yet because I can get it now and a nurse can assess me and my skills as an injecting drug user before sending me home.

I then sit and wait for a nurse. No nurse comes. I go to the Nurses' Station and tell Nurse Thumbs Up that I am going to pop down stairs briefly but I will be back soon and can get my drugs then. When I return I wave to her to let her know that I am back. I sit in my room and wait for her. I wait a long time. I go back out into the hall and give Nurse Thumbs UP a perplexed "what is happening" look. Nurse Thumbs Up starts talking to Nurse Really Pregnant and then the next thing I know the two of them are arguing. I am a good twenty feet away when all this starts and I just watch them for a minute and think that you can't make this kinda stuff up. I decide I don't really want to deal with this drama so I go back to my room. I assume that the loser will appear shortly and give me my drugs. Nobody comes. Eventually Dr Young And In Charge comes in and tells me that the nurses seem to be having some issues so she will quickly fill out and sign the assessment form. We go through the form and then she says she is off to sort the nurses and someone should be with me shortly. Now I know this will come as a shock, but nobody comes. In the meantime, Alastair has arrived to take me home and I am starting to be both annoyed and worried I am not gonna get home. It is 5 pm and my afternoon drugs are several hours overdo and I am annoyed the Alastair is having to sit around and wait for me. 

I once again go in search of a nurse and find Nurse Thumbs Up and Nurse Really Pregnant arguing a few doors down from my room in the middle of the hallway. I stand there for a good minute and keep looking back and forth and wait for one of them to acknowledge me. This doesn't happen so I go to the Nurses' Station and start asking another nurse if she could please maybe get me my drugs because my two nurses are just standing in the hallway arguing over who was meant to be giving me my drugs. The nurse is confused, understandably, and picks up the phone and calls to ask if someone knows where Nurse Thumbs Up is. I tell her I know where she is. She is around the corner arguing with Nurse Really Pregnant. I decide to try and find Dr Young And In Charge and head down to the other side of the ward to find her. These Nurses can't find her but ask if maybe they can help. I try to explain the situation to them but am called back to the room before they have a chance to understand.

Eventually Nurse Really Pregnant comes and gives me my IVs. I am looking out the window and say "what a horrible day" because it is grey and pissing it down outside. She misunderstands me and launches into a tirade about what has happened. I think she is upset with Nurse Thumbs Up but apparently she is upset with Dr Young And In Charge. This comes as a bit of a shock but I try to make the appropriate noises at the right moments to assuage her, but my mind is on the task of going home.

I do get home....

And this, my friends, is how you get paroled early.