Well, as you can see I have not posted since January. This is because the tables have turned in my little game. I haven't been giving CF the proverbial middle this year, it has been giving it to me. Big time. No one thing that has happened has been disastrous or beyond repair, but every thing has been a setback causing another setback, a domino effect of sorts. Each domino has been a hope or goal and with each one that has fallen and then crashed into the next, a little piece of my heart and fighting spirit has been wiped away. I look at the scattered dominoes and I feel beat down, stripped bare of the sparkle that my husband says he fell in love with me for. And I can't recognize this deflated, lackluster girl anymore.
I don't laugh like I used to. Or not as much, anyway. The medical road bumps/hiccups/hurdles, whatever you want to call them, which I used to think darkly amusing because they would make for a funny 'it would only happen to me!' story or blog entry, not so funny anymore. I don't know this Ashley that laughs little and infrequently. I didn't want to have to tell you about her.
I didn't want to admit to those of you who check in that I haven't been myself, that my CF warrior armor has a chink in it, that I am (or was) flirting with self-pity. I didn't want to wallow in, root around, search the massacred dominoes for an offering -a point, a moral, a nugget of humor- to give you. So I didn't write. I collapsed in on myself and I waited. Waited for the hard, not-so-funny moments to pass and the ha-ha-isn't-my-life-comical moments to arrive. Thing is, I am still waiting. Though, I am pleased to say that the hard moments have passed somewhat....not because things are better and not because I don't have many hurdles to jump still, but because I have accepted that the goals I set this year are simply not happening, despite my hard work and planning, at this point and time. So for now, I leave the dominoes, my hopes, my goals, my wants, where they lay. And when the time is right, I will set my dominoes back up and knock them down with my own hand and at a time of my choosing.
I don't laugh like I used to. Or not as much, anyway. The medical road bumps/hiccups/hurdles, whatever you want to call them, which I used to think darkly amusing because they would make for a funny 'it would only happen to me!' story or blog entry, not so funny anymore. I don't know this Ashley that laughs little and infrequently. I didn't want to have to tell you about her.
I didn't want to admit to those of you who check in that I haven't been myself, that my CF warrior armor has a chink in it, that I am (or was) flirting with self-pity. I didn't want to wallow in, root around, search the massacred dominoes for an offering -a point, a moral, a nugget of humor- to give you. So I didn't write. I collapsed in on myself and I waited. Waited for the hard, not-so-funny moments to pass and the ha-ha-isn't-my-life-comical moments to arrive. Thing is, I am still waiting. Though, I am pleased to say that the hard moments have passed somewhat....not because things are better and not because I don't have many hurdles to jump still, but because I have accepted that the goals I set this year are simply not happening, despite my hard work and planning, at this point and time. So for now, I leave the dominoes, my hopes, my goals, my wants, where they lay. And when the time is right, I will set my dominoes back up and knock them down with my own hand and at a time of my choosing.
Errr...I think you'll fine it's "lacklustre". x x
ReplyDeleteI'll have you know that I checked that before posting and you can use either spelling!
ReplyDeleteYou Americans. Color. Honor. Analyze. Urgh. :-)
ReplyDelete